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gattamelata83
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Name: Carla
Birthday: 11/25/1983
Gender: Female
Interests: The outdoors/nature, national parks, traveling, art, music, literature, singing loudly in cars late at night. Ha, life is never dull, although sometimes it tries to appear so...there is always something more to be discovered...adventure, the spice of life. Ciao.
Expertise: "Jack of all trades, and master of none." But I have a green thumb! Laughing- I'm so good I do it in my sleep.
Occupation: searching...
Industry: Art
Message: message me
Member Since:
4/20/2004
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| I cannot stand this.
Everyone I know(except one or two) has been bitten by the baby bug.
I am about to scream I am so tired of my friends rambling on and on about planning babies and such.
No more babies.
please
for
my
sanity.
I don't know why it is upsetting me so much, but it is.
Granted I will be thrilled when my friends discover they're pregnant- what good friend wouldn't rejoice with them?
But it is just irking me big time. And I mean really irking me.
I don't get myself. I don't know why I'm so upset about all this.
GRRR.
Perhaps I'm upset because for the first time in a long time I feel close to friends that I haven't for a while. Throw a baby into that mix and it changes everything. I already have a hard time relating to those who are hard-core desiring kids...they just don't get me, and don't get why I'm still single. I do not want my married friends to try and hook me up with some "nice guy". When they do that it makes me feel as if there is something wrong with me that I appear to need to be hooked up. I mean really?! What happened to just taking me as I am? What's wrong with me being just me and not me+husband-in-tow.
RAR.
I am full of growls today.
It is a venting day.
God, why am I so upset? When will this end? Teach me to rejoice with friends. Teach me patience. Teach me compassion. Grant me wisdom. Grant me understanding. I beseech Thee, Lord. Abba, hold me in your loving arms and reassure me that You'll never let me go. I am Yours. My life is Yours. My hopes, my fears, my plans, my dreams are all Yours. My past relationships- Yours. Take, take, take my grasping hands and pry them open. Make my heart willing to give it all back to You. Because I know, that that is the only time when I can experience true happiness and peace. Take it all. It IS Yours. Forgive me for not knowing my place, and be gracious to this calloused heart. Amen.
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| here's my other book I've been fluffing through. sometimes it's refreshing, other times it seems simply redundant for my life.
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| I confess I read this book at least a couple weeks ago. It is short and sweet. It gave me a few fresh perspectives, of which I was very thankful for. One of which being: there are 15 million singles in the world who have never been married or divorced. Now that was encouraging for me- just as my world seemed to be shrinking and the prospect of finding someone diminished- that fact came along. Nice.
I'm also reading another book- rather a fluff book, but encouraging at times. Just advice from gals my age on all manner of things. I don't know what real book I shall take up reading next. I suppose I could read The Voyage of the Dawn Treador...we'll see. For tonight, I think I will cruise the vast internet- and all my manifestations of self contained therein. Ciao ciao a tutti!
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| He rejected me. Told me I was not good enough. Took my one weakness and held it up and said, 'that's it, I won't deal with this.' My one mess. He made the choice not to love me. He saw the mess, not me.
I have not handled this rejection very well, I doubt many people handle rejection well. I thought, 'I could marry this man, I would love to serve by his side and love him all the days of my life.' I thought we were in it together.
Words. I am re-evaluating the value of words.
Although I do not feel what I used to about him anymore, it still hurts that he rejected me. I still would love to sit him down and ask him his mental process there. 'So, just out of curiosity, why did you dump me? Do you even know why?' And oh the things I could say to this man right now: 'I hope you're happy with your new lover- a dog', 'I hope he "runs through life with" you like you wanted.' How much does it hurt to be replaced by a dog? Less than if it was another woman right away- thank goodness for that at least. But the ache, the dull ache, just won't quit. It's absolutely and utterly distracting. I can't even read a chapter of Biology without being distracted. It's annoying how you won't get out of my head, even tho' I am miles from yours. Frustration abounds. Confusion. Aching.
Stuck
in
my
head.
Just needed to get it out.
Plus, why is it that I am not doing my art? People keep asking me. I have only been told by people I esteem that I am not good enough- that I can't break into the art world. That it is impossible to support oneself on art. Ok, so I'm not supported. But why do I listen to them at all? Why can't I just prove them all wrong? I believe their disbelief. I've bought into a worthless, paralyzing lie. I have crippled myself. I want out. I want to prove them wrong. But I want to do it big. I want to blow them all away(is that pride crippling me?). I want to prove to myself that I can do it. I just need encouragement, not berating and nagging. And a clear mind. I need to channel my frustration- as noted above- into my art. I need to deal with life on canvases and in sketchbooks. I need some Divine inspiration...a muse...a goal...a dream. I need to dream. Lord, help me get my confidence back, and be the artist You created me to be. Merely a glimmer of Your creativity dwells in me, but Lord, help me to use it to my fullest, and not only use it, but glorify You through it. Give me strength, be my source of approval, be my biggest cheerleader, my mentor, my muse, my guide. Lord, help my unbelief!
Waiting
learning to trust again
Waiting
learning to hope again
Waiting
...Waiting
......Waiting
.........Waiting
on what?
Only God knows.
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| Ok, I finished Prince Caspian in a couple of weeks. It was good, but not my favorite out of the Chronicles of Narnia thus far. I am now reading Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages b/c well, while I am not married, I would some day like to be and I really don't know what my love language is...and I'm freaking tired of failed relationships due to miscommunication. I think my love language is 'acts of service'(how I show it) but I have no idea what makes me feel loved. I know the last guy I dated's love language was physical touch- or pretty sure of it, but we still got our communication all muddled somewhere in there...I mean ridiculously muddled...still can't figure it out. So, to research I go. And the next book? A book on how to fight fair and still maintain a healthy relationship. God slapped me in the face last week and told me I do not fight fair. I had an inkling of that, but who wants to fess up to that? Well, I did, and I found a decent book on the subject at McKay's, so I bought it. This sounds funny, but I think God guides my studies somewhat thru the selection at McKay's b/c He's been speaking to me pretty clearly that way for a bit now. I love bookstores, but I will be lost in one for hours if I ever enter it...fair warning. So there. Those are my ramblings for today. I am now going to check out my friend's ramblings and change and make myself go running, so as to stay in shape. Later, a ballgame, hopefully. Ciao ciao a tutti!
p.s. the title is what's looming outside.(my brain is rotting out of my head due to a test and a paper this morning and approx. 5.5hrs of sleep).
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